Whoa. I know. It’s been more than three months since I’ve blogged. I didn’t intend to disappear but well, life. As you know I moved back to Minnesota and started working 9-5, which meant blogging became a secondary … non-existent … priority. Every week I had good intentions to write a Hey, I’m Still Alive post but then, you know, life happened.
I also still feel a little lost. Who am I? What is A Mindful Migration? What do I write about? Does anyone care? And why do my toes demand freedom?
Sadly, I cannot give them freedom at the moment because of this.
And also this.
I do not like this. At all. Max is more ambivalent about the situation.
But I am sure he misses being a Cali Cat, where the cats are chill. Here, he has a new frenemy. For reasons I don’t completely understand, a neighbor cat is greatly insulted by Max’s presence. Max, again, is more ambivalent towards him.
A Whole New World
Go ahead, admit it. You were singing the song. But it is a whole new world for me. It’s not a bad world, being back in Minnesota and my old hometown. But it is different. LA is humongous. My hometown is around 12K.
Another shocker. No Target.
You’d think my pockets would be swole but now my hard-earned cash just goes to Walmart. I liked it better when it went to Target.
Also, the Mexican food doesn’t compare, And the restaurant options are small (in fairness there are some good restaurants here) and one teeny, tiny library. In my city, I had 13 branches. A truly popular book could have 40+ copies available. The library is really nice but … small when it comes to book selection. The plus side, and it’s a huge plus, is that I have more coins jangling in my pocket, so buying the occasional book is an option now.
So … What’s Next?
I don’t know. I’ve always been a bit of a planner so this uncertainty makes the control freak in me uncomfortable. It feels strange, to an extent. In all honestly, I’ve been running on a hamster wheel of unhappiness nonstop for the past few years and I’m more than ready to get off. To take a breath and figure out where I go from here.
I tell myself constantly that the world is my oyster. Then I remember I hate oysters.
All terrible jokes aside, I am scared about the unknown; I am excited about the unknown. Some nights I toss and turn, ruminating about all the decisions I made that brought me here. Grief and resentment and shame course through my body, sapping me of strength and will. And other times, I’m so grateful that I set aside my ego and pride and stopped pretending that my life was going somewhere when it most certainly was not. Recognized that I needed to take a step back in order to move forward again. Most importantly, there is no shame in needing to do so.
A Lesson Learned
I do believe a well-lived life is a series of moments and lessons. Some amazing and some painful. We choose what we take with us – the pain or the good or a little of each. We can resist or ignore these lessons or we can just accept them. It doesn’t mean we “deserve” the bad or even the good for that matter. But life is moments. And most of the moments we experience are out of our control.
The thing we can control, however, is our response. And sometimes I admittedly don’t respond well. I cling a little too hard to the good moments, believing every, single moment of my life must be precisely like this extraordinary high or otherwise something is wrong with me. Or everything sucks because everything always sucks and I hate you. (Yes, sometimes I have the emotional competence of a teenage girl).
One lesson I am taking with me from all of this, though, is that it’s going to be fine. I am going to be fine. This is a bump. One of a gazillion I will experience in my lifetime. This bump only becomes a crater if I allow it. And I’m not going to let that happen.
My plan is get back to where I blog joyfully versus feeling like an obligation. No one wants obligatory posts! Right now, my goal is to post every Tuesday, fingers crossed. Another important goal for me is to get back on an exercise/eat right regiment. I haven’t regained all my lost weight but enough has found its ways back to my belly and hips, and I refuse to continue going backwards!
Most importantly, though, I want to make clear the move did make a positive difference overall. I do feel lighter, most days. Less anxious, less overwhelmed, less fearful of my own shadow. I feel myself coming to life again. I may not exactly know what I want to do with my life, but it feels good to no longer be a hamster.
Any advice for me on how to make time for blogging? Or exercising in the cold, cold winter? Or on how to find myself? Or just tell me something new and exciting in your life!