Whoa. I know. It’s been more than three months since I’ve blogged. I didn’t intend to disappear but well, life. As you know I moved back to Minnesota and started working 9-5, which meant blogging became a secondary … non-existent … priority. Every week I had good intentions to write a Hey, I’m Still Alive post but then, you know, life happened.
I also still feel a little lost. Who am I? What is A Mindful Migration? What do I write about? Does anyone care? And why do my toes demand freedom?
Sadly, I cannot give them freedom at the moment because of this.
And also this.
I do not like this. At all. Max is more ambivalent about the situation.
But I am sure he misses being a Cali Cat, where the cats are chill. Here, he has a new frenemy. For reasons I don’t completely understand, a neighbor cat is greatly insulted by Max’s presence. Max, again, is more ambivalent towards him.
A Whole New World
Go ahead, admit it. You were singing the song. But it is a whole new world for me. It’s not a bad world, being back in Minnesota and my old hometown. But it is different. LA is humongous. My hometown is around 12K.
Another shocker. No Target.
You’d think my pockets would be swole but now my hard-earned cash just goes to Walmart. I liked it better when it went to Target.
Also, the Mexican food doesn’t compare, And the restaurant options are small (in fairness there are some good restaurants here) and one teeny, tiny library. In my city, I had 13 branches. A truly popular book could have 40+ copies available. The library is really nice but … small when it comes to book selection. The plus side, and it’s a huge plus, is that I have more coins jangling in my pocket, so buying the occasional book is an option now.
So … What’s Next?
I don’t know. I’ve always been a bit of a planner so this uncertainty makes the control freak in me uncomfortable. It feels strange, to an extent. In all honestly, I’ve been running on a hamster wheel of unhappiness nonstop for the past few years and I’m more than ready to get off. To take a breath and figure out where I go from here.
I tell myself constantly that the world is my oyster. Then I remember I hate oysters.
All terrible jokes aside, I am scared about the unknown; I am excited about the unknown. Some nights I toss and turn, ruminating about all the decisions I made that brought me here. Grief and resentment and shame course through my body, sapping me of strength and will. And other times, I’m so grateful that I set aside my ego and pride and stopped pretending that my life was going somewhere when it most certainly was not. Recognized that I needed to take a step back in order to move forward again. Most importantly, there is no shame in needing to do so.
A Lesson Learned
I do believe a well-lived life is a series of moments and lessons. Some amazing and some painful. We choose what we take with us – the pain or the good or a little of each. We can resist or ignore these lessons or we can just accept them. It doesn’t mean we “deserve” the bad or even the good for that matter. But life is moments. And most of the moments we experience are out of our control.
The thing we can control, however, is our response. And sometimes I admittedly don’t respond well. I cling a little too hard to the good moments, believing every, single moment of my life must be precisely like this extraordinary high or otherwise something is wrong with me. Or everything sucks because everything always sucks and I hate you. (Yes, sometimes I have the emotional competence of a teenage girl).
One lesson I am taking with me from all of this, though, is that it’s going to be fine. I am going to be fine. This is a bump. One of a gazillion I will experience in my lifetime. This bump only becomes a crater if I allow it. And I’m not going to let that happen.
Moving Forward
My plan is get back to where I blog joyfully versus feeling like an obligation. No one wants obligatory posts! Right now, my goal is to post every Tuesday, fingers crossed. Another important goal for me is to get back on an exercise/eat right regiment. I haven’t regained all my lost weight but enough has found its ways back to my belly and hips, and I refuse to continue going backwards!
Most importantly, though, I want to make clear the move did make a positive difference overall. I do feel lighter, most days. Less anxious, less overwhelmed, less fearful of my own shadow. I feel myself coming to life again. I may not exactly know what I want to do with my life, but it feels good to no longer be a hamster.
Any advice for me on how to make time for blogging? Or exercising in the cold, cold winter? Or on how to find myself? Or just tell me something new and exciting in your life!
Tanya
Um. It takes immense bravery and gumption and courage to make a giant move and life shift like you just did. So you have all THAT going for you! I’m so proud of you for making a change when you realized things weren’t going forward. I think this “new” place will be great for you. I’ll be thinking of you & Max and sending you joyful vibes!
Thanks Audrey! I appreciate your words of encouragement. It’s so easy to look at the “bad” or what I perceive as weakness or failure on my part and ignore the brave and courageous changes I made too. Ultimately I know this was the right decision and the best way to get me moving forward, which is all that really matters.
I’m so glad to see you back – I miss you when you’re not around!!!!!
For me, I had to change all my blogging routines when I got my new job. It took me a bit to get into my new groove of it -you’ll find your new way of doing things.
& I’m sure the new move is hard… but you’ll find your way into that
Thanks, Rebecca Jo! I missed being around too and connecting with everyone. I have not yet mastered a new blogging routine either but part of the problem is that I haven’t made blogging a priority and need to do so!
So glad to see a post from you!! 🙂 Brrr, it definitely is different weather there for you in Minnesota, huh? The high today here in the OC was mid-60’s, so ya know, just a bit different from you had been used to 😉
You’ll find your blogging mo-jo at some point. It takes time to acclimate to a different schedule. Looking forward to hearing more about what is new with you and Max!!! 😀
Oh man. You’re killing me, Mackenzie!! It’s been very cold here … well, some days. Some days, it’s below zero and other days, it’s in the 30s, which feels good. LOL! But I miss the sunshine so much. So very, very much. 😀 Yeah, I just need to make blogging more of a priority than I have. I enjoy it, so it’s something I want to keep doing but I have to find my rhythm, I guess.
So glad you’re blog is back. I really enjoy your honesty and openness. As for blogging, I try to write in advance. It’s hard working and then blogging. I’ve committed myself to two blog posts a week – one of which is my Five on Friday. Give yourself flexibility – as I say, this is a passion project/hobby. Fortunately, it’s not my job and I don’t have to stick to this schedule if I don’t want to.
I believe everything happens for a reason. You may not know what it is at this moment, but hopefully you will enjoy the outcome.
I unfortunately also have a Walmart close to me (like 10 minutes) versus Target (over a half hour). And I love Target so much more! It stinks about the library though. Hope they have a good interlibrary loan system. My library is super small, but I can get almost any book through the interlibrary system.
Wishing you the best of luck and positive vibes in this new chapter of your life!
Thanks, Nancy! I definitely need to write in advance and also do a better job of writing ideas down. That’s my biggest issue because I don’t know what I want to write so I don’t, even though I have (or had) ideas. 😀 But flexibility is key. This is fun for me so I can’t beat myself up either.
Yeah, I know in the end this was the right choice for me. Sometimes I’d just like to jump to where everything is awesome. But life never works that way either.
I miss Target so freaking much. A few weeks ago I finally went to the “big” city and went to Target. It was heavenly, even though I spent way more than I should have but I couldn’t help myself! It’s my understanding that I’ll be able to get almost any book too through the interlibrary system too, but I actually need to get a library card first. 😀 I’m still borrowing ebooks through my old library because they have a bigger selection.
Thanks for your well-wishes and support. It means so much to me!
the way i see it, life is full of chapters – some good, some bad – but the point is to just keep turning the pages and ultimately, your own ending is yours to write!
the fact that you feel less negative feelings due to this move means that it was a good choice. there will always be some bad mixed in for any decision but the point is that there is some good so focus on that
i have shut down my blog for now because I’ve lost that blogging feeling. there’s too much going on right now and for the first time in years, i haven’t even thought about blogging. regardless, i will continue to lurk yall so keep posting (whenever you feel like it).
I honestly believe it was the right choice even though it wasn’t a choice that I necessarily wanted but needed to do. And it is overall good, minus a couple of things but nothing is ever exactly perfect, right? It’s good motivation to keep me pushing forward. I miss you not blogging because I love your blog so much but I get it. I went back-and-forth myself on whether to start posting again. It’s such a big commitment. And I hope if the blogging mojo strikes again, you’ll be back to entertain us (and educate me on beauty stuff!)