I gave a brief review of The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhomes in the Books I Loved, Liked and Loathed in March, but I wanted to go a bit deeper on this very special book. Full and fair disclosure: I don’t watch any of her shows. Zip. Zero. Nada. In other words, I’m a not diehard fan who thinks she farts lollipops and gumdrops and can do no wrong. I do, however, have mad respect for her accomplishments, which is why I read her book. What I didn’t expect was how relatable she would be. Like Shonda, I was a child who lived in her head, dreaming up an imaginary world. And today is someone who needs to start saying “yes” to living.
Overall I really loved her book, so I was a bit surprised to learn there was definitely a block of people who felt she was too boastful, spending too much time on Grey’s Anatomy and her achievements.
What may be considered too boastful is subjective and differs from person to person, which I respect. However, I personally did not think she was. She was clearly very proud of her achievements — as she should be — and wasn’t afraid to be open about her pride.
I am not lucky.
You know what I am?
I am smart, I am talented, I take advantage of opportunities that come my way and I work really, really hard.
Don’t call me lucky.
Call me a badass.
But I also understand why some took offense. Not too long ago, I would have too. Females are often raised to play down their accomplishments, to not make a fuss. We smile graciously and say it’s no big deal.
But it is a big effing deal.
Owning Your Badassery
It’s actually a bit ironic that people were perturbed by her supposed boastfulness, given that she actually devotes an entire section in her book on how to own your badassery. As Shonda noted, too often we deflect and demur when complimented on our achievements because we were taught this was gracious, lady-like behavior. This needs to change.
When we play down our achievements, it allows others (often times men) to either take credit for our hard work or become dismissive of our talents. And why wouldn’t they? If we can’t respect our talents and abilities, why should they?
Note: I know this isn’t every woman. Thank God. Stay a good role model for the rest of us.
How many times have you bowed your head and waved off attention? We don’t know how to embrace our accomplishments with both humility and pride. Even a simple compliment can cause us to freak out. Shonda turned into a babbling fool when some guy told her that he liked her blue dress. Just like I struggled to respond to a compliment on a post I wrote.
A few weeks ago, I woke up to a very nice comment from my friend, Jana, on my post Happiness Is. She also tweeted her praise so, of course, I tweeted my thanks. This was her response.
@MindfulMigrate You're welcome, and thanks for writing such a great post!
— Jana (@saysjana) March 14, 2016
Here is what Jana doesn’t know. I spent a good ten minutes trying to respond. My thoughts went something like this: should I acknowledge what she said? Maybe she was just being nice. It was a good post, but I don’t know if it was anything exceptional. Maybe she hadn’t read any other posts. Maybe she has already found another post she likes better and is regretting her comment. Maybe I’ll come off as a smug jerk, fishing for more compliments and blah, blah, glurg, bleech, ack.
In other words, most Seinfeld characters would have been in awe of my neurotic state. But at the core was my inability to accept a simple compliment. Nothing more, nothing less.
@saysjana Tx for your kind words! You'll appreciate this – I spent 2 hours pouring over my reading list and reserving books yesterday. 🙂
— A Mindful Migration (@MindfulMigrate) March 14, 2016
I eventually responded and even managed to say thanks. But then immediately jumped to another topic because I was uncomfortable with her praise.
This makes me sad.
Thank You and Smile
I have always worked extremely hard and been proud of my achievements but privately, on the down low. Publicly, it is the old demur, deflect and “who me?” routine that I suspect many of you are intimately familiar with yourself. But I want to own my badassery, just like Shonda taught herself and us to do in her book.
And it’s simple, folks.
Thank you. Smile.
Nothing else.
You don’t have to deflect your badassery or explain how it really wasn’t all you. Just say “thank you” and smile. Period.
You’re not being cocky, arrogant or boastful. You are accepting their acknowledgement of you and your achievement, contribution, great blue dress or post — that’s all.
Badassery is Not Acting Like a Jerk
It may feel awkward at first. You may feel like you’re getting too big for your britches, but don’t worry. The very fact that you’re uncomfortable is a good indicator that you haven’t accidentally strayed into jerk-behavior. Because real jerks don’t worry about offending others. They are the ones who actually scream “in your face” in your face or go on and on about how great their life is to someone they know is struggling.
That’s not owning your badassery.
That’s being a douche.
Don’t be a douche. Be a badass woman.
Phenomenal Woman — That’s You
Back in college I discovered Maya Angelou’s amazing poem, Phenomenal Woman. I love its triumphant refrain and it’s a poem I turn too whenever I’m feeling less than phenomenal.
Phenomenal woman (and man because you are phenomenal too) that’s you and you and you and you and and you and you and me. You are phenomenal.
Now say it with me —
Thank you. Smile.
Tanya
Love it! I’m definitely going to read this now. We are definitely trained not to receive compliments well or flaunt our accomplishments and we are also trained to see women who do so as arrogant or snobby. And it’s horrible. I actually didn’t learn about this until listening to Lean In (Sheryl Sandberg’s book), but now that I know I can even see myself doing it. I guess the silver lining is that being aware of my own prejudices helps me to kill them. I definitely support women who own their accomplishments now, and there were a couple people who mentioned that (albeit briefly) in their memoirs (Amy Poehler in Yes Please and Felicia Day in You’re Never Weird on the Internet). I’m also working on accepting compliments graciously. It felt weird at first, but I’m much more comfortable just saying “thank you” now, although if people compliment my clothes, I usually go off on some random tangent (“Oh that’s funny because my husband hates this” or “I got this for free at a clothing swap” or something). I’m not sure if that’s deflection or just desire to continue the conversation. 😛 My own motives aren’t always as clear to me as I’d like them to be.
I think many of us are unaware that we do this. For me, it’s a real mixed bag. On some things I take ownership of my achievements without a problem, while other times I deflect and demur. I’m learning to say “thank you” and breathe. To pause for a beat to recognize and appreciate the acknowledgment, then continue the conversation versus changing the topic because I’m uncomfortable. Like you, I definitely support the awesomeness of my fellow women friends and associates and want them to feel proud of their accomplishments too. And not feel as though they have to be privately proud. They can be proud out loud!
It actually annoys me when people think knowing where your strengths are or what you do well and saying it out loud is boastful. Especially because boastful comments are usually directed at women and not men. I am not one for hiding your shine. You are here to shine.
Amen, Steph! I consider myself to be liberated and it annoys me that I’ve publicly deflected praise and did the whole “who me” when I was recognized for my work. It is most definitely not boastful to know your strengths and to be proud of them. We are here to shine and I’m not going to apologize for shining bright.
Now I am going to praise you ALL THE TIME because damn it, woman, you are awesome and you deserve to know that.
I do get what you’re saying though. Compliments make me really uncomfortable because I think either a) they’re lying; b) they want something as a result of it; or c) both. I live so much in my own head that I struggle getting out to understand that people really do say nice things for no other reason than the fact that they want to.
As far as your post, it did win the week for me.
Thank you, Jana. 🙂
Okay, I’m glad to know that I’m not the only who has that thought process of people are lying or want something when they compliment me. Granted, some people do compliment for those very reasons but most don’t. I live in my head too and self-doubt has unfortunately become my mind’s boon companion. And I don’t like her. At all. People do say nice things and mean it. And you and I are both awesome. Period.
I can TOTALLY relate to you taking 10 minutes to respond to a comment and feeling a bit neurotic about it: THAT IS ME!!!!! Seriously, I really cannot take a compliment and try and deflect it to something else or another topic. My self-esteem is not the strongest and that is something that I really and truly need to work on.
Great post Tanya 🙂
Seriously, we are twins, Mackenize! I do the same thing with compliments – trying to move the focus off of me. It makes me uncomfortable and it shouldn’t. And becoming comfortable with my own badassery and accepting compliments is something I’m really going to work on. My self-esteem took a big hit with my depression and rebuilding it is a huge priority because my self-doubt is holding me back. The good thing is I realize this now, so I am constantly giving myself pep talks. And you know that I’m always here to give you a pep talk too because you are amazing, Mackenzie!
This is a struggle for me too, Tanya. I LOVE the quote you had in there from her. Why are we so afraid to shout out that we work our tails off for our accomplishments? Why is it “nicer” to contribute it to luck, you know? Success is about using the gifts that God gave you and taking them to the max. It takes both parts. Yes, we were all given gifts and talents, but if we do nothing with them, they won’t go anywhere! It’s not about luck, it’s about gratitude and the willingness to leave your comfort zone and work your arse off for success. Great post, my friend.
It’s such a great quote because it’s true. And I’m definitely trying to live by it and be a badass too. I don’t know why we contribute success to luck or go “who me” when we bust our butts. It’s okay to acknowledge your hard work and satisfaction of a job well done. Men do it all the time, which they should. And so should we. It is about gratitude and appreciation of our talents and utilizing our skills, which something I know we both do and we need to own it.
I haven’t read this book yet but it’s right up my alley so I’ll be requesting it soon. The only show of hers I watched was Scandal and I was late even then. I gave it up a while ago though.
Definitely read it, Micheal. It’s a really good book. I don’t watch her shows but recognize her influence on the lexicon.
I need to get on The Year of Yes! I had read some other good reviews on it last week. This coming from someone that is obsessed with alllll of her shows!
You will love it, especially if you’re a big fan of her shows because she does talk about them – Grey’s probably the most. I found the tidbits interesting and I don’t even watch the shows! She really makes it feel like you’re just sitting together and chatting.
seriously, so much yes. i couldn’t believe that half the negative reviews on goodreads and the like were cranky about her ‘bragging’ like um, wtf. did you even read the book?! it’s taken me soooo long to accept compliments from my husband, let alone strangers. it’s hard!
also, randomly – what is your email address? on blogger you come up as a no reply blogger, which is fine, but i can’t respond to your comments because i can’t find your email anywhere and it makes me sad. because blogger doesn’t notify you when i respond on my post. anyway. if you don’t want to put it on the internet, i understand lol, just thought i’d ask!
Thank you! Honestly, it confused me because she devotes so much time on how to accept your achievements and she has accomplished everything she “bragged” about. Weird. I’m definitely working on my thank you and smile response to compliments and recognition.
I’ll DM you my email. Apparently it’s something with Google+ that makes me a no-reply commenter because I link my blog to my profile or some weird thing.