I tend to dwell in the past and future, which isn’t great because too much past thinking leads to depressed thoughts (the old woulda, coulda, shoulda) and too much future thinking makes me anxious (what if XYZ happens?). Anyone who suffers from depression or anxiety knows firsthand the rabbit hole of past/present overthinking and tries to avoid it. Even knowing this (Oh, how I wish I didn’t), I still spend hours thinking about how I’d like redo or cement future events. Or play, the when “this” happens (often times magically), my life will finally be good or even great. But why can’t life be good or great now, in the midst of mayhem and darkness?
It makes me think of one of my favorite inspirational sayings.
I find it comforting because the sun does rise every day — even on days where dark clouds menace or mask it completely — it is still there, burning brightly. This gives me hope. The flip side is it also feeds the terrible narrative that darkness offers no light. There is always light, even during the darkest night, hour, minute and second.
I am that light. You are that light. We are light-makers.
Be Happy Now, Not Later When or After …
I consider myself to be a glass half-full kind of gal. Optimistic to a fault at times (except during terrible Debbie Downer moments) but I also tend to think of happiness as something that happens after some big event, like reaching my get healthy goal, etc. or needs to be earned. Once cannot simply be happy. Part of this stems from the current world we live in, but also how I feel about my personal life in general. I feel stuck. Blasé. Unmoored. Negativity overwhelms and cocoons me, leaving me to retreat too often to my bed to hide.
I want to be happy now. Full stop.
I’ve previously shared what I do when I’ve lost my way from gratitude exercises to daily affirmations to steps to help conquer cranky, off days. Those all remain effective tools, but this weight threatens to drown me and a few affirmations or even gratitude won’t alleviate my malaise.
I am at a crossroads in my life, seeking that bright, neon arrow to point me in the right, fool-proof direction because I fear making a mistake or a bad decision. It, unfortunately, hasn’t magically appeared which means I need to do the work myself. This scares me.
Getting to Know Me, Getting to Know All about Me
Sometimes I feel as though I don’t myself at all. Sure, I know what I like (cats and books!) and dislike (Kanye, what a dumbass) but it’s all surface level. The things that aren’t scary and not necessarily super insightful either. I need to dig a little deeper and get to know both the dark and scary places and the light and joyful places better.
Ta-Da! Here She is: A Few Self-Discovery Questions
I wanted something specific that could help me sort through my thoughts so I went in search of some good journaling questions. While I typically avoid these kinds of questions or write generic answers to them, I promised myself to be honest this time; I deserve it.
- What do you need to forgive yourself for?
- If you were told you were going to die tomorrow, what would your legacy be? Are you happy with it? If not, what do you want your legacy to be?
- What are your core values (prioritize them) and are you living in alignment with them?
Three questions may seem wimpy but 30 or even 10 questions seemed overwhelming and scary. Plus, I’d find an excuse not to do them. 😀 And no, I haven’t answered them yet (plan to carve out some me time this weekend) and will likely keep my answers private to avoid creating sanitized, acceptable answers which is my nature to do. This is for me. I also know these questions merely represent a start, which is what I want: to restart the good life I deserve because the light is here, right now.
Hell yes, I will rise.
How about you? Are you rising? What do you do when you find yourself stuck?
kathy @ more coffee less talky says
i’ve never really been one to dwell on past mistakes; i realize what they are (were) and have made whatever changes i needed to repent/fix it and forgive myself. i never look back either; you can’t live your life looking backwards or you’ll never see anything in front of you. life is short so i never want to live with regret; i live my life in such a way that if i got sick tomorrow or got hit but a bus, i wouldn’t regret anything.
I wish I was built that way. But I’m an overthinker who tends to relive my mistakes and fears nonstop. I’m working on it though, because I know it’s not good for my mental well-being and being able to do what you do would be life-changing for me.
Tonya@Budget and the Beach says
I hope this helps but the one shred of good news I hope is that so many of us feel this way. It’s not just you. Not sure if that makes you feel better or now. I hope the answers give you some clarity!
It really does because when you’re stuck, you feel like you’re alone, which just makes it worse. There truly are so many who feel a little lost and a little stuck and we can support one another as we figure out what we want from life.
Totally understand the whole rabbit hole of dwelling in the past and future. Like Tonya said above, many of us are trying to figure out this next phase. Good luck to you, my friend! 🙂
It’s such a yucky place to live and I seem stuck there. Ugh. It definitely helps knowing there are so many going through it too and understand what it feels like. Plus, we can cheer one another long and offer support, which is priceless!
Rebecca Jo says
Friend… I have had the worst 2018 & am feeling the effects of it – the depression & sadness is overwhelming at times & the darkness looms. So I needed this post so much. Love your honesty as well – lets me know I’m not alone. Hope you know your not as well!
Oh Rebecca, you’ve definitely had a rough year and I’m so here for you, my friend. You are definitely not alone. You’ve got so many friends, in person and online, ready to help and offer support!