If you have been hanging around these parts for some time, then you know Emperor Baby Fists is not my guy. He stands for pretty much everything that I hate, except men. I like men, minus him and those who behave in a similar manner. While I am counting down to his inevitable impeachment, we still have to tolerate him until that happy day occurs, which is why I put together this survival guide. We’re living in a cray, cray world and it is only getting crazier, so you need to be prepared.
How To Survive the Reign of Emperor Baby Fists
I also find President Agent Orange an acceptable title (thanks Tribe Called Quest) for Trump and here’s how I recommend you stay strong and survive these chaotic times.
1. Get Rid of Your White Bed Sheets and Tablecloths
I strongly encourage you to only use and buy colored bed sheets and tablecloths. You don’t want anyone to accidentally think you’re a member of the KKK. Colored sheets instantly identify you as someone who does not support white nationalism or dressing up as a grand wizard, which is an horrendous insult to Gandalf and Dumbledore.
Also, for love of Martin Luther King, Jr. do NOT dress up as a ghost for Halloween. Casper may have been a friendly ghost, but you might find yourself dragged to a klan meeting and underneath that white sheet, you’re … gasp … black or Muslim. Or worse — the holy trinity — a black Muslim woman. Ruh-oh.
2. Wear Iron Underwear
It won’t be comfortable — at all — but will keep your privates safe from teeny tiny baby fists.
My cat, Max — and an actual pussy — also has a strong message to deliver to those who confuse locker room talk with sexual assault.
3. Carrying a Pocket Constitution with You at ALL Times
At any time or most likely at 3 AM, President Bannon, aka The Grim White Reaper, might whisper hateful things into Emperor Baby Fists ear, leading him to sign executive orders banning air. Or breathing. Or pets. Oh, how I wish he would ban pets because his presidency would be over before you could say yabba dabba do.
Since our leader enjoys writing his name on random pieces of paper without reading them first, as do most toddlers, I strongly recommend that you carry a pocket constitution with you at all times. You never know when you are going to have educate one of his acolytes on whether President Agent Orange’s latest order is unconstitutional.
4. Buy a Gas Mask Cuz It’s Getting Stinky Up In Here
Invest in a gas mask now while they are both readily available and affordable. Since a polar bear could lumber into the Oval Office, slap him silly and Emperor Baby Fists would still deny the ice caps are melting, I expect the relative clean air and water we enjoy to disappear. I also believe there should be a law that any lawmaker who denies climate change should not be allowed a gas mask or bottled/filtered water in the future, forever. Suck. It. Up.
Most importantly, dear reader, never forget …
Don’t make your children and your children’s children hate you.
Keep a Ready Supply of Protest Gear in Your Vehicle
Let’s face it — he is going to keep doing dumb stuff that pisses us off. We need to be ready to mobilize at any time, which means keeping plenty of poster boards and markers on hand. Some of my more frugal-minded friends may just want to consider make a protest sign that says “NOPE”. It pretty much covers everything.
And please, don’t be Canadian mad (love you Canadian friends!) …
but American mad.
Okay, don’t physically hurt anyone but let’s smash the patriarchy. And don’t forget Emperors, like Norse Trickster Gods, can be rather puny.
We Are Making A Difference. #Persist.
I know it doesn’t always feel that way, especially seeing some of his cabinet get confirmed but … we are making a difference. We are getting under his skin and he is itchy! After all, this is a man who craves approval above all else and the fact that we aren’t bowing down and being silent, which is what he expected us to do, is driving him crazy. So don’t be silent. Get involved in a way that feels right to you and give yourself breaks to recharge your battery. Most importantly, #persist.