That’s me in a nutshell … stuck. My mind goes 24/7 and conjures up these amazing ideas that fill me with such life-sustaining hope of what my life could be, while simultaneously feeling just out-of-reach — like a fluttering butterfly that I chase to no avail. Because even if I miraculously captured this elusive insect, I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I did. And now I feel like a stuck loser, which is not a happy or true place to live.
I believe in authenticity, even though a large part of me is screaming to play happy for you. To pretend everything is peachy keen. Life is good. I am happy because that’s what society (and social media) demands me (and you) to be. Happy all the time. But that’s impossible.
Unrealistic. And frankly damaging. No one is happy 24/7. Life is never good 24/7 either.
We have peaks and valleys. Good times ebb and flow. We laugh, cry, scream and love. And that’s okay. Even healthy.
Lost with a Broken GPS
Part of my problem is I truly don’t know what I want. I feel passion-less. While I can’t say with 100% certainty, this doesn’t feel like depression but more like mid-life crisis. 😀 Depression numbs me and I have drive, ambition and energy, but I just don’t know how to focus it. Or what to focus it on specifically.
Once upon a time, I knew what I wanted. Who I was. Or at least I thought I did. Now I’m not so sure. I feel lost, like I’m trying to find me but unsure where I’ve hid myself. Or even if I want to find my old self. Maybe I’m suppose to rebuild Tanya 2.0 who is better and stronger than the old, broken version. The very best me.
But I don’t know where to begin.
Maybe, This is Just Who I Am Meant to Be
I’ve read a lot of self-help books. Some good; some bad but all in the pursuit of finding me. Being my best version because that’s what Oprah tells us to aim for — our best self. But who decides what “best self” is? Best holds a lot of assumption in it. And just like no one can truly be happy 24/7, nobody can be best 24/7 either.
I can’t for sure.
I’m Not Always My Best Self
Because I am sometimes mean, jealous, petty, angry, sad, overwhelmed, crabby, cold, anxious, judgmental, spiteful and on and on.
I’m not proud of the above but I’m not really ashamed either. Because it’s honest. Everyone is those things, whether they admit it or not.
But Sometimes I’m the Very Best Me Too
I am also joyful, funny, kind, caring, loving, generous, intelligent, compassionate, peaceful,
supportive, giving, happy and on and on.
So are you.
And maybe being all of the above — both the good and bad — is okay. It means I’m normal. And this “best” that I seek to be is just something that provides fuel for our anxiety of never being enough in world that rewards perfection, which in turn helps sell books and workshops and makes Big Pharma Richie Rich(er).
I am enough. You are enough.
Fear: The Serial Killer of Happiness
Years ago, in one of my previous Corporate jobs, I designed client presentations and we were told to not use fear as the basis to create change (or to be blunt, buy our product/services). A little fear was okay — as in pointing out something they might be ill-prepared to handle — since this would catch their attention but not necessarily take action. Instead, what would actually make them take action (buy) wasn’t fear but that we had a ready solution, giving them a positive, happy resolution.
Because even though fear-mongering definitely gets our attention, it often paralyzes us and/or brings out the worst in us (ahem … hello, politics these days), rather than take definitive, proactive action. Right now, fear is consuming me, eating my dreams and hopes. Gulping down my ambition and drive and leaving me crumbs to snack on.
People, I am hungry.
I can see the life I want. I can see the happier and healthier me. And yet I feel paralyzed and stuck in this life I don’t like. Or want to be stuck in any longer. I don’t have answers to those of you experiencing the same situation, sorry. But simply speaking my truth versus keeping it locked inside means I’m one step closer to finding the answer too.