I sit quietly at the table, feeling small and insignificant. My head is bowed and my heart heavy. My Mom sits to my left. Her arms crossed and lips pursed into a thin, tight line. My father sits to my right. He is talking, low and fast. So many words spill from his mouth but all I hear is “We are disappointed in you.”
Fact: The Library and Netflix are not the same thing. This is what I need to tell myself every time I get the urge to go crazy and put a ton of books on hold. Books don’t disappear or get put back into the vault; they will be there. If you haven’t guessed already, I did it again (cue, Britney). Giddiness over took me and I reserved too many books that became available at the same time. #BookNerdProblems! Plus, one book I loved needed some processing time, which led to me rereading it again … just to make sure it was really that good. It was.
I’ve come to a hard conclusion: my life is kind of dull and repetitive. This is both a blessing and a curse. I have friends whose lives are whirlwinds of activity, hi-jinks and craziness and it just makes me sleepy and feel old. That life is not for me (although it might be the perfect life for you!) But … on the other hand, my life also needs a jolt of something. I’m just not sure what, yet. And figuring it out is my new big to-do.
That’s right. I said “AWESOMENESS!” After all, Shonda taught me to own my badassery and I am. Therefore, I am awesome and so you are. We may not be awesome every single moment of the day (FYI, no one is), but we are still powerful, awesome beings. And knowing this makes me want to shout from the roof top and pee my pants. Hey, being awesome is a kind of scary. The truth is I’ve allowed this fear of my awesomeness to prevent me from living a wholehearted life. Dreams were smushed and lost to the ether. But I’m tired of living small and watching dreams fade into nothingness. I am ready to shine! Aren’t you?
Hasta la vista, April. I’m not gonna lie: there were good and bad days, and I’m okay with seeing April in my rearview window. My depression, which had been chilling in Antarctica or some place far from me, made an unwelcome reappearance in my life. Beyond work, I didn’t feel like doing much else, except the much else is all the important stuff, like living. While I very much enjoy my work, I don’t live to work. Or at least that’s not what I want to do. Now I’m behind on my goals and my mojo is still low, which means I’m playing catch-up, relighting my spark and moving forward because that is all I can do.
Every day a thousand random thoughts and questions fill my mind. Some are fleeting; some linger. Sometimes, they serve as a great distraction from laundry, dishes and other mundane chores that I want to avoid doing. Other times, they are more annoying than a buzzing fly who is stalking me from room-to-room while my cat is unable to smite him with his mitts of doom. Seriously, Max is my bug terminator with 3 kills to his good name. But even he is helpless against the randomness of my mind.