I know. It’s February and I’m sharing my goals. Errr … goal. I offer no excuse or apology either, because goals can be made any time, any place. And just like there can be only One (bonus points if you get the reference and remember I am old), there can also be only One Goal. And my goal is to live a BIG LIFE.
It’s More a Lifestyle Declaration vs. Goal or Word
I’ve unsuccessfully set many personal goals throughout the years, mostly because my goals were whatever claptrap spilled from my mouth every New Year. Eventually I got wise and attempted to set real goals that in hindsight were generic goals vs something I truly desired. In other words, I had no real skin in the game. It was, however, embarrassing to constantly admit failure every year, especially as someone who hates to fail. So I switched to words and picked two great ones: listen and connection. I never really did much with them either.
But I do believe in goals and words because I’ve seen many succeed where I have failed.
Yup, I love my cat memes but it’s also true and I don’t want that to be my truth this year. Thus, I’m trying something new and not setting a typical goal(s) or even a word but more of a declaration: I want to live a big life.
Living La Vida … Tiny
My current life is me living small and I’m tired of living off scraps, consumed by doubt and worries and trembling at possibilities versus running towards them at full sprint. It’s hard and somewhat humbling for me to acknowledge this is my reality because in my mind, this is me …
I want to see the lion in my reflection but I don’t. I don’t even see the real me, just a scaredy-cat who sits on the sidelines as life passes her by.
Thanks A Lot, Depression and Anxiety
Old Tanyal had some self-esteem issues but she was quite confident in her abilities. She could conquer anything, if desired, and the world was her oyster. The future was so bright, she had to wear shades (bonus points again if you get the reference). Until Depression punched in her in the face and knocked her out, hard. It took a long, long time to get back up and Current Tanya lost a ton of momentum. But she also discovered something worse: a new best fried called Anxiety.
Depression is a thief who steals weeks, months and years of your life and Anxiety is a destroyer who kills your confidence. And Old and New Tanya are over both of them.
So How Will I Live a Big Life Mean?
I’m working on it. I’m not intentionally being vague or mysterious; I simply haven’t worked out all the details. Because I believe in authenticity and transparency, I wanted to declare my desire to live a big life and most importantly to really uncover what that means to me. It is ambiguous and personal and frankly — that thrills me. I get to decide.
Here’s What I Do Know:
Lots of thoughts and ideas are percolating in my brain, but a big life definitely includes:
- Being healthy. I am on my way to making this a reality for the first time in forever. There is still work to do, especially around maintaining lost weight as I am very good at gaining weight and decent at losing weight but really, really suck at maintaining my weight. 😀
- Comfortable in my own skin. Yes, losing weight and getting fit will help but it’s more than just how my outside looks. Remember the self-esteem issues I mentioned Old Tanya had? Well, those were about looking different and being uncomfortable about it. This directly affects my ability to stop self-sabotaging my efforts to get healthy and to maintain a healthy weight once I do. But I am proud of me for just acknowledging this out loud because it is painful and embarrassing but I want a big life.
- An adventure or two or three. Now I don’t necessarily mean a vacation or trip, although it could. But more so doing something outside my normal comfort zone that I’ve wanted to do and will enrich my life (hopefully) but anxiety has held me back.
I know this is pretty general and low on details but I’m still working those out. I spent nearly six months getting ready to start my get healthy journey and another 3 or 4 months actually getting healthy before I told people about it. While I believe accountability and sharing with others are important to overall success, I also believe there is a right time to tell people too. And I’m not there yet, largely because I’m still at the planning stage!
They See Me Rollin’ (A Big Life); They Hatin’
Is this a big life … maybe!
Okay, maybe I got a little gangsta in me that dreams about makin’ it rain, but that’s not really what I am running towards. But that confidence on her face — Hell, Yeah!
Now the real work begins and I start figuring out what I want MY big life to look like. And I’m ready to do the work and live that big life!
So tell me, what does your big life look like?
Tanya
Good luck Tanya! It’s never feels good to play small, even though it can provide a temporary save haven.
Thanks, Tonya! Yes, it can provide a temporary safe haven that can even serve a good purpose. I’ve just overstayed my welcome there!
I get the bonus points for that reference. ?
I cant,wait to see how this goes for you. I think so many people don’t live up to their potential or even step out of comfort zones. Add in anxiety & deoression, a whole other set of chains to hold you back.
You are inspiring me to do more myself.
Yay! I’m glad you earned the bonus points! 😀 I agree — a lot of people just get by and don’t go outside their comfort zones. It somewhat freaks out to do so, but I also can’t stay on the sidelines any longer either. We can both do this, Rebecca!
Well you know that the person holding you back from anything is you, and that is a very good place to be. Much better than being the person who doesn’t know they are what they need to conquer.
Love and support to you my friend. You can do it. And you don’t have to do it all at once.
Thanks, Steph! I do know the person who needs to change and do the work is me. And that is both awesome and scary at the same time. Nobody can do this but me and I have to embrace that there will be successes and failures. That the consequences of staying small are more painful than any mistake I might make. Appreciate your support, as always!
I always love reading your posts because they’re so honest. It’s so difficult to come to a public space (like a blog) and share insecurities, personal struggles, etc. I find it inspiring that you’re able to do this. 🙂
I wish you all the luck in the world on achieving your goal! I also deal with depression and anxiety, so I know that it’s not just as easy as saying, “Okay, I need to start experiencing more and feeling better about myself.” Change is hard and scary (especially when you throw depression and anxiety into the mix), but change is also an exciting part of life. I think simply being open to change can be the first step to living a big life.
Thanks, Kristen! Your kind words made my day! It is incredibly difficult in a public space to be honest and vulnerable and it took some time for me to be comfortable to do so. I am generally a very private person but felt that in order to get better I needed honest about my mental health. And it also helped that I had such supportive friends and readers. You hit the nail on the head – it’s not easy as just saying what you need to do, especially with depression and anxiety in the mix. I’m trying to stay focused on the exciting part of change and also taking it at my own pace too.
Good luck Tanya!! I know you can do it!!! 🙂
Thanks, Mackenzie!
Good luck with your goal. It’s a great one! Have you read Shonda Rhimes Year of Yes? It seems like it would pair perfectly with your goal!
Thanks, Nancy! Yes, I had read the Year of Yes and I loved it! It’s been a couple years though and I should revisit it again to help me get started. In many ways, Shonda’s story helped plant the seed for this.
You’ve got this, girl! I think it’s a really admirable goal to set for yourself. I’m excited to see how you define and tackle and build on it.
I know I’ve struggled with anxiety A LOT lately. I told K that I think I’m going to look into therapists in the area, just to see what’s out there and to get my brain in check.
Thanks, Audrey! I always appreciate your support! Anxiety is so freaking tough. In some ways, it’s almost worse than depression because I can’t seem to shake it. I think it’s a great idea for you to find a therapist – they can really make a difference!