Those who know me well (or read Eat Laugh Purr regularly) know boo-hooing about my weight is a favorite pastime of mine. One that I have been doing for a very long, long time. I mean a really long time. I whined and pouted. Vowed to make changes and rid myself of excess weight. I talked a very good game, which I sincerely meant but rarely took serious action beyond some half-hearted attempts. And I stayed fat.
I hated it. Loathed it. And felt helpless to change. Not because I didn’t know what needed to be done, I did. But doing it was another thing. Every time I tried, I fell on my face, which in itself wasn’t the real problem. The real problem — to be honest — was I self-sabotaged my own efforts. I am not proud of this but it is the truth.
A Self-Saboteur Lives Inside Me.
As I mentioned in my 42 Life Lessons, I struggle with bucket lists because of the inherent pressure and judgment. And that pressure and judgment has a stranglehold on many aspects of my life as a recovering people pleaser. We live in glass houses these days, where we share (overshare in some cases) and get immediate validation or disapproval. I put undue pressure on what thin meant, such as.
- Life would only be good if I was skinny.
- A man would never love me until I was a size 4 or below.
- Real success would only happen when I could rock a pencil skirt.
- My value as a human people was only determined by 6 pack abs.
That’s a crap load of pressure.
And lies.
But Really … I Doubted My Worth
At the core, though, why I really self-sabotaged my “get healthy” efforts was because I felt that I didn’t deserve happiness. It went beyond low self-esteem (although obviously a factor) but more that such power scared me. To live and be happy every day. To have everything I ever wanted is scary stuff. And a ton of responsibility that I wasn’t ready to carry.
We all want the dream but actually having the dream — mind blown. Because that happens to other people, not me. While I don’t believe I was put on this earth to struggle, I also put a cap on my success. I didn’t belong at the top of the pyramid but somewhere safe in the middle.
And that’s another load of crap.
I am Perfectly Me … Fat or Skinny. I’m Just Me
I want to get healthy. FULL STOP. I know getting healthy will bring loads of benefits, such as being able to walk up the stairs without huffing and puffing like I’m the big, bad wolf. Overall improved health. Confidence. And happiness. But I will also still be me. The same me today. Getting fit isn’t going to erase who I am. Will some aspects change? You bet. But the really big ones won’t because my weight isn’t what really holds me back. It’s an easy, obvious excuse. But my doubts and fears are what truly keep me in the middle of MY life pyramid.
I want to live life to the fullest, where I’m at the top of my life, not the world or your life, but my life. Where I fully embrace my talents and worth. I chase opportunities at a full sprint versus hiding in the shadows. I pursue my goals with joy and enthusiasm with no concern whether anyone else approves. My desire is to be the best me, not the world’s best.
This bears repeating: I want to be the best ME I can be, not the best in the world.
I Deserve Good Health because I’m Worth It
I clung to the myth that good health meant all my problems would disappear, which both enticed and repelled me because deep down, I knew the truth: You really can’t run away from problems because they live inside of you, whether you’re skinny, fat or somewhere in between. You can only eliminate them by addressing them.
And that’s what I’m doing. I deserve to be healthy. And I have the strength and discipline to do it if I put my mind to it. If I take the time and effort to solve the riddle of why I haven’t been successful all the other times I tried and failed. Most importantly, I know that if I love myself today — with my poochy belly, thunder thighs and flabby arms — that my days as a weight-loss self-saboteur are coming to an end because loving who you are at your core means more than any pants size ever will.
More Health Talk on A Mindful Migration
By no means am I turning into a health or weight loss blog, but I do plan on discussing it a bit more and being open about both the successes and struggles I run into along the way. I plan to share how I finally (YAY ME!) started a regular exercise program and how I’m changing the way I eat and look at food. Hopefully, this is something that will interest most of you and I’ll, of course, still have plenty of non-related health posts too!
Have you ever self-sabotaged your life, weight-related or otherwise? How did you stop? Any tips or advice to help me on my get healthy journey?
Tanya
Of course I have. I think everyone has. What you need to do to stop it? I really can’t say Tanya. This has been what sounds like (according to what I’ve read on your blog) a long and tough journey for you. I think one step that is helpful is this: don’t have stuff in the house that is tempting. Don’t make it…not even for someone else (I’ve seen your recipes-lol!). We all just have limited self-control. Now, you eliminated just one tiny thing. Don’t stress so much working out (although I highly advocate it but almost for feel-good emotions and NOT weight loss). 80% of weight loss has to do with food. People often think they can just do 30 sit-ups and get great abs, IM-POSS-ABLE! I’m currently doing myfitnesspal and did great a couple weeks then kind of slipped up this weekend. I almost do not believe in cheat days because they are a huge slippery slope for me. Anyway, just some thoughts.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Tonya. I agree that food makes the biggest impact with weight loss but I deliberately chose to start with exercise and I’m sharing why on Monday. I have been small improvements to my food intake this summer and gearing up for the big changes. 😀
I cant tell you how much I ADORE this post. This is so me in a nutshell too – its a struggle that everyone may not know or understand, but those that do? I love & value your honesty & cant wait to see what you post.
I just started a 40 day bible study & along with that, I’m doing a 40 day reset in my eating. Gives me motivation to do the countdown… I need to take some of your words of wisdom & type them out & remind myself of this too – I DESERVE HEALTHY!!!!
Thanks, Rebecca Jo! You do deserve to be healthy and I know you can do it! It is a struggle and one that not everyone understands. And even those who do, their journey and experiences can differ wildly too. I’m really pleased with how things have gone this far and finally feel like I actually do it this time.
Yep. I constantly talk about getting healthy and being fit and losing weight (in real life) but I don’t do it. My husband and I both talk big (and have gym memberships!), but we don’t do anything to get healthy 🙁 It’s really something I’d like to work on and dedicate time and energy and joy toward.
I talked about losing weight and getting healthy most of my adult life. And there were periods where I did lose weight, but I always gained it back and then some. I feel fortunate that at 42, I am in such good health and my excess weight hasn’t caused more health issues. But I also know that if I don’t do something soon, my good fortune will run out.
YES YES YES i love this post so much! it took a long time for me to change my perspective from ‘getting skinny’ to getting healthy and once i did that, weight loss wasn’t a chore anymore; in fact, it made me push harder to see just how much my body can do.
start in baby steps; it’s the easiest way. tackle one thing at a time ie. if food is your frienemy, start with just cutting out sugars/crap. don’t worry about anything else — the rest will come in due time. once you get used to not eating crap food, then start looking at incorporating more healthy meals. once that’s done, then do the next thing.
blog about this, please! everyone wants to read about other people’s journeys as it gives them hope and inspiration. YOU CAN DO THIS!!
Thanks for your support, Kathy! You are always one of my biggest inspirations when it comes to getting healthy. For a long time, I focused on being skinny and now it’s about being healthy and being fit. I have been taking baby steps this time, which has made a difference. I am not always the most patient person so I would have these huge plans and try to tackle everything at once and fail miserably. This time I’ve been going slow and tackling one thing at a time versus 20. 😀
I am very much looking forward to reading about your path to getting healthy. I am struggling with this as well. I try to exercise a couple of times a week but it’s more so I can eat the unhealthy foods and not feel guilty. I’m hoping your posts help inspire me to make a better effort into getting healthy myself.
Thanks, Nancy! Weight and health seem to be common struggles for most people. I ate lots of unhealthy food and didn’t work out, so at least you’re trying to combat some of your bad eating with exercise. I hope my journey helps motivate you too. 😀
Yay, I am so happy to hear this Tanya!! And of course, we all want to hear about your journey 🙂
When I had my 30 pound weight loss last year, I definitely started small. I knew that if I started trying to be healthy by taking on too much, I would just stop. I started with baby steps. I bought a stepper and used it just on commercials at first when I watching a tv program. For my lunches, I usually eat turkey sandwiches but instead of adding potato chips along with it like I always did, I added baby carrots. You see where I am going with this? Little steps make ALL the difference when you are first starting out on a healthy journey like this one. I plan to do the same thing again when enough time has passed after giving birth but I am not going to rush to get back into my pre-pregnancy jeans, that’s for sure!
I am so proud of you Tanya and I know you can do it!!! XO
Thanks, Mackenzie! That’s what I’m doing – baby steps because I always tend to try to do too much at once and it never works. Little steps do make a difference and I find the more successful I am, the more I’m willing to push myself and do more. Thanks for your support, Mackenzie! I appreciate it!