Those who know me well (or read Eat Laugh Purr regularly) know boo-hooing about my weight is a favorite pastime of mine. One that I have been doing for a very long, long time. I mean a really long time. I whined and pouted. Vowed to make changes and rid myself of excess weight. I talked a very good game, which I sincerely meant but rarely took serious action beyond some half-hearted attempts. And I stayed fat.
I hated it. Loathed it. And felt helpless to change. Not because I didn’t know what needed to be done, I did. But doing it was another thing. Every time I tried, I fell on my face, which in itself wasn’t the real problem. The real problem — to be honest — was I self-sabotaged my own efforts. I am not proud of this but it is the truth.
A Self-Saboteur Lives Inside Me.
As I mentioned in my 42 Life Lessons, I struggle with bucket lists because of the inherent pressure and judgment. And that pressure and judgment has a stranglehold on many aspects of my life as a recovering people pleaser. We live in glass houses these days, where we share (overshare in some cases) and get immediate validation or disapproval. I put undue pressure on what thin meant, such as.
- Life would only be good if I was skinny.
- A man would never love me until I was a size 4 or below.
- Real success would only happen when I could rock a pencil skirt.
- My value as a human people was only determined by 6 pack abs.
That’s a crap load of pressure.
But Really … I Doubted My Worth
At the core, though, why I really self-sabotaged my “get healthy” efforts was because I felt that I didn’t deserve happiness. It went beyond low self-esteem (although obviously a factor) but more that such power scared me. To live and be happy every day. To have everything I ever wanted is scary stuff. And a ton of responsibility that I wasn’t ready to carry.
We all want the dream but actually having the dream — mind blown. Because that happens to other people, not me. While I don’t believe I was put on this earth to struggle, I also put a cap on my success. I didn’t belong at the top of the pyramid but somewhere safe in the middle.
And that’s another load of crap.
I am Perfectly Me … Fat or Skinny. I’m Just Me
I want to get healthy. FULL STOP. I know getting healthy will bring loads of benefits, such as being able to walk up the stairs without huffing and puffing like I’m the big, bad wolf. Overall improved health. Confidence. And happiness. But I will also still be me. The same me today. Getting fit isn’t going to erase who I am. Will some aspects change? You bet. But the really big ones won’t because my weight isn’t what really holds me back. It’s an easy, obvious excuse. But my doubts and fears are what truly keep me in the middle of MY life pyramid.
I want to live life to the fullest, where I’m at the top of my life, not the world or your life, but my life. Where I fully embrace my talents and worth. I chase opportunities at a full sprint versus hiding in the shadows. I pursue my goals with joy and enthusiasm with no concern whether anyone else approves. My desire is to be the best me, not the world’s best.
This bears repeating: I want to be the best ME I can be, not the best in the world.
I Deserve Good Health because I’m Worth It
I clung to the myth that good health meant all my problems would disappear, which both enticed and repelled me because deep down, I knew the truth: You really can’t run away from problems because they live inside of you, whether you’re skinny, fat or somewhere in between. You can only eliminate them by addressing them.
And that’s what I’m doing. I deserve to be healthy. And I have the strength and discipline to do it if I put my mind to it. If I take the time and effort to solve the riddle of why I haven’t been successful all the other times I tried and failed. Most importantly, I know that if I love myself today — with my poochy belly, thunder thighs and flabby arms — that my days as a weight-loss self-saboteur are coming to an end because loving who you are at your core means more than any pants size ever will.
More Health Talk on A Mindful Migration
By no means am I turning into a health or weight loss blog, but I do plan on discussing it a bit more and being open about both the successes and struggles I run into along the way. I plan to share how I finally (YAY ME!) started a regular exercise program and how I’m changing the way I eat and look at food. Hopefully, this is something that will interest most of you and I’ll, of course, still have plenty of non-related health posts too!
Have you ever self-sabotaged your life, weight-related or otherwise? How did you stop? Any tips or advice to help me on my get healthy journey?