Getting old is inevitable. Everyone gets old or …. hate to break this to ya, you’re dead or maybe Benjamin Button. But we all age. Sometimes gracefully. And sometimes less so. It’s been less so for me lately, which makes me feel like an old coot. And you know what old coots do: they rant. And they get to … cuz they old, yo. It’s one of the perks.
My old coot rant begins with some hip pain. Grrr … but I ignore it because that’s just how I roll. Until the next day, when the pain is significantly worse and I realize that lucky me – I got bursitis. Fine, I’ve had it before and can deal with it again. But it hurts.
A lot.
And I am a wimp.
#NotAshamed
Let’s Get This Party (Not) Started!
Finally I relent and take an ibuprofen, which normally does the trick, and the pain does dull for a bit. And just as I was finally able to sit without screaming (it was a silent scream but still a scream because lordy it hurt), I got a lash in my eye.
Okay, that’s a lie. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a lash. But I feel better saying it was lash versus what it really was.
But unlike some (ahem) I try not to lie every time I open my mouth, so I will tell you the humiliating truth. I got cat hair in my eye from kissing Max’s belly. His undercoat is quite long, but his belly is just so adorable and begs to be kissed. So I kissed it and I liked it and I got a cat hair stuck in my eye.
#NotAshamed.
It could happen to anyone.
Any ‘ol crazy cat lady that is.
I Got My {Frog} Eyes on You
Now in addition to hip pain, my eye itches and burns, so I turn to my trusty Visine. But it actually makes it feel worse instead of better. And then my other eye starts itching too (I assume, because I am weird, that this occurs because my right eye is acting in solidarity with my left eye) so now it gets a few drops too.
Only it doesn’t work. Both eyes now burn fiercely and it hurts to even close them. To add insult to injury, my hip starts aching again and it has only been a couple of hours since I took my ibuprofen. Grrrr …. so I limp to my bedroom mirror and what do my wondering eyes see? Hugely. Swollen. Eyes.
Like I have frog eyes.
Also, you look really weird when you eyes swell so badly that you longer have an eye crease.
And just like any normal, sane person does after discovering they have frog eyes, I run around my apartment waving my arms, all freaked out.
Well I gimp around my apartment because my hip hurts like Hell.
Finally I look at the ibuprofen bottle and realize it’s expired. Oops. I then notice its allergy warning. First symptom? Swollen eyes.
Oh shit.
Well, after a minute or two of hyperventilating, I realize my eyes only reacted after I applied the eye drops. So I do what every sane person knows not to do but cannot avoid doing in these types of situations: I googled, although I refused to look at anything that SCREAMED YOU ARE DYING RIGHT NOW. Maybe it’s just me, but whenever I google a particular ailment that I’m currently experiencing, it’s all ends in death, man.
Fortunately, I was having a run-of-the-mill allergic reaction to something normal and likely stupid. It took about 30 hours for the left eye to return to normal and over 48 hours for the right one (I got more eye drop serum in my right eye).
Tanya Thing. Old Coot Thing. Same Thing.
The eye thing was probably just a Tanya thing versus an old coot thing but still. Nothing beats hobbling into Target with swollen frog eyes –that would likely scare children if I wasn’t wearing sunglasses to hide them – for some Alleve. So that’s my story. Pain. Agony. Grumpiness. Shaking my fist at old age. But still here … ranting.
It is my old coot privilege.
My Motto Today
So this is me now in a nutshell.
And no, I’m not wearing pants.
Yo, I’m wearing shorts. It’s warm in Cali.
Tanya "Pinterest")
oh girl, i feel you. it’s like our bodies are like “ok, time to fade now!” and then it gives us the finger.
as soon as i hit 40, it was almost as if my body just did a total 180 – my knees started hurting (and i’ve never had joint pain before), my eyes (can barely see anything!) and back. I dont recover as fast (this part sucks the most) and it seems that i have to work triple hard to lose a pound. rude.
OMG – losing weight. Seriously. I’ve always been a yo-yo dieter but losing weight was still so much easier when I was in my 20s and 30s. Now it takes FOREVER to lose a dang pound. Sadly, it does not take forever to regain that pound. Deeply, deeply unfair. And my body aches for no apparent these days. I sit too long and practically fall on my face when I try to stand up. Grrrr ….
haha – I always say, getting older isn’t for the weak.
I usually have in my daily routine some Ibuprofen, some kind of muscle ache cream & I still walk around 90% of my life in pain. Good times
I say the same thing! 😀 And it’s so true. Man, I’d like to go back in time and slap my teenage self for wishing she was “old” because it would be cool. So not true!
I’m having some sympathy pains for you in my hip right now. Sorry, girl. Aching and hurting is SO awful. I hate it. Last night I reached over my bed to pull pillows off and I think I hyperextended my knee a little. It hurts so much today 🙁 UGH.
Thanks, Audrey. I think my right hip had some sympathy pain for left pain too and I was like – “you’ve got to be kidding me!” Hopefully your knee is doing better now!
sorry I don’t mean to laugh but that was funny. So is this: “whenever I google a particular ailment that I’m currently experiencing, it’s all ends in death, man.” I forgot what book I read but the quote was something like this, “googling your symptoms is like a choose your own adventure where all roads lead to cancer.” Paraphrasing a little but it’s so true! Or, if I space out and forget something I for SURE have Alzheimer’s !
Girl, it was funny. I mean completely and horribly awful in the moment but hilarious afterwards! I always make the mistake of googling symptoms, then sit in panic because everything is not awesome and I am clearly dying. Of course, it’s nothing but the drama queen in me is sure Google is always, always right.
Okay, that was funny 🙂 And yes, googling symptoms never ends well, as we have talked about!
You know it, Mackenzie. Google symptoms is the worst thing you can do, which is why it’s the first thing I do. LOL!