I often dreamt about the moment when I could proudly announce that I reached my weight goal. That I was now officially healthy and fit, feeling good and looking good. Finally able to wear those flirty sundresses and sleeveless shirts that I’ve long admired but never felt flattered me. It would be a proud moment. This is not that moment. Nor a proud moment. It is a time of frustration, disappointment and sadness for me because my get healthy journey is stalled. And it’s all my fault.
A few weeks ago I shared that I had regained some weight and shared my plan to get back on track. Even though I meant it at the time, it never happened. I have excuses, of course, but they all boil down to one, concrete fact: I didn’t do the work.
Because I didn’t feel like it.
And I was tired of being “good” with my food choices. Stressed. And I am emotional eater.
Mostly, though, I was still scared of what healthy means.
It felt like something I had to live up to and I didn’t know if I had it in me to do so. It made me anxious. Anxious about failing. Succeeding. Disappointing you, me and everyone.
Occasionally I felt excited and hopeful too. And proud. But mostly anxious. And scared.
Some of you probably don’t understand what’s scary about being healthy. In fact, you see being unhealthy as something to more deeply fear.
You are not wrong.
But I have been overweight for a long time. It’s become a comfort. One that I don’t necessarily want or like. But it’s become a part of my identity and a weapon I wield against really putting myself into the world. An excuse to stay on the sidelines of life.
I don’t have any sage advice or wisdom to share. No tips or real plan of action. Yet. Even though a part of me is chanting give up, give up, I won’t. Fear isn’t going to win the war. It may win a battle or two or five but I do believe love trumps fear and hate.
So I’m choosing to love myself while also being honest. Because honesty, even a hard truth like you haven’t been doing the work, is a loving act. It doesn’t mean I need to berate myself over my mistakes, but I must acknowledge my fear that I’m not worth it. I know it’s a lie. A lie that I use as an convenient excuse. But I am worth it and I’ll prove it to myself by doing my best to honor and respect my body’s needs. And forgiving myself when I slip and make a poor choice, while also dusting myself off and pushing forward.
Tonya@Budget and the Beach says
I appreciate your honesty and know how hard it is Tanya! I’m such an emotional eater too. A week ago or so I went to the 99 cents store and bought a huge chocolate bar…the kind you eat over a period of days. I ate the whole thing in one sitting. I felt so sick. I still don’t have the answers as to why I do that every once in awhile. This is your journey though and not about me. I just want you know know you’re not alone!
Thanks, Tonya. It is so hard and it feels like it should be simple, you know. I’m smart. You’re smart. We should know when to stop eating, etc. and yet it’s never that easy. I appreciate you sharing because knowing you’re not alone matters too.
You are absolutely worth the hard work and feeling of success at the end of the road! I get what you mean about fearing the end results. It’s easy to kick back in our chair of comfort and rationalize that we’re ok right where we’re at. Good for you for facing your truths and doing so with self-love and understanding. I think that’s the perfect equation for getting back on your feet and trying again! And it’s ok when you slip and fall- that’s called being human. We ALL do that in one way, shape, or form. Our bodies are built for changes- good and bad- and yours will be ready to make those changes as soon as your mind is ready to take on the challenge 🙂
It is so easy to be complacent and comfortable and just dream rather than do. I am so guilty of doing this and then complaining about my lot in life, so I need to call myself out for that behavior. We do all fall/fail at times and I always remind myself (sometimes constantly) it’s not the failing/falling that really matters, it’s what we do afterwards.
It is hard to stay healthy all of the time, but I know you can push past this and get right back to your momentum! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!! 🙂
Thanks, Mackenzie! I know if I give it my full attention that I can definitely do this and regain my momentum. Appreciate your support, as always!
i feel like this is something i will always work towards and that is okay. it sucks, but it is okay. hugs xx
Me too. I don’t think I’ll ever be the kind of person where eating healthy is something that comes easy because I enjoy naughty foods too much. And like you said, that’s okay. We can do this!
Nancy @ NY Foodie Family says
Thank you for being so honest with your journey. Weight is tough. I’m at my heaviest and don’t feel happy with my body. I need to prioritize eating healthy and exercising but I try not to beat myself up about it. Don’t give up. Just keep taking baby steps. You will get there. It’s hard because these are really lifestyle changes. Eating not-so-good for me food (and taking pics of it) brings me happiness. I try to only indulge on the weekends though. And I need to get back on the exercise wagon. #thestruggleisreal!
I’m just so mad because I was doing so well and then splat. And it’s on me. I’ve regained weight, not all, but enough and I had to work so dang hard to get rid of it in the first place. Eating not-so-good for me food brings me great joy too and I love eating out and eating healthy seems so boring, even though it doesn’t have to be. I just make it so!